P C SIDE-EFFECT by KeLP
Julia to the Dean
"Trigger warning! Trigger warning!"
Now you've scared me even more.
Trigger makes me think of guns,
And guns make me think of war.
You've given me anxiety,
And maybe PTSD;
To my safe space I must flee.
Now I'll flunk my class.
The Dean to Julia
Dear Julia, dear Julia,
Please accept this apology
From Bowdown University.
We value our diversity.
Your Professor has been castigated,
The practice was eliminated,
And your record was ameliorated.
You pass with highest honors.
THE SHUSHERMAN WALTZ by KeLP
(to the tune of, and apologies to, THE TENNESSEE WALTZ)
Come on, Bernie, time to shut up,
Time to move off the stage;
The claim you can still win is false,
For Debbie and the Clintons
Rigged the dance from the jump
With the song called the Shusherman Waltz.
You remember debates and how they were hid,
How the states that you won still you lost.
Yes, they planned that all rivals
Be hushed by the strings
of the sneaky ol' Shusherman Waltz.
Pronoun-ciations by KeLP
What is my personal pronoun?
Well, that's an easy fix;
Since she and he and it offend,
Combine them for. . .
Oh, sheheit. . .
Please let me try again,
I've considered long and hard.
Since she and he and it offend,
I've decided. . .
Let's use GOD!
Yard Cat Doggerel by KeLP
With fewer mice to fill her gizzard
The cat has taken to consuming lizard.
Their carcasses are interspersed
With those of mice she murdered first.
If not careful where you tread,
You might trod on something dead.
And soon the snakes will coil and slither,
And she will drop their corpses hither.
That's bad enough for here and now,
But what if she fancies catching cow?
Damnation by KeLP
David Boomer boomed it out,
Vulgar profanities did he shout,
At least seventy-five times in a couple of minutes
He used the F-word, put his heart and soul in it.
A master, a maestro, a cock-of-the-walk,
A grand virtuoso of censorable talk!
And does he get Glory for advancing the art?
Ninety days in the hoosegow--Well, that's a start.
Beat That by KeLP
They said to Clio "Ginsberg's dead.
The voice is silent, still the head.
The people, mourning,
Read his poems anew
To quench their anguish."
And She said, "Who?"
Heroes Of The N.E.A. by KeLP
Little yellow dinosaur water squirting GUN--
GI Joe PISTOL two centimeters long--
Holocaustic items in first grader hands--
Brave Teachers confiscate--
Peace in the land.
A Backsided Consideration by KeLP
Judging by consumption,
Sunflower numbers are depletin';
Judging by shells on floors and seats,
'tis few that escape being eatin'.
The shells they are crushed in melodious "snicks"
As the radio tweeters and woofs
While others are nestled safe and secure
Under sundry and various duffs.
If royalty royalty be,
And under a mattress is placed a pea,
From dark to morn they'll not find peace
As it pokes and jabs from underneath.
This callous numbness in place best unmentioned
Of these drivers of vans and of trucks
Suggests that among them not a prince will be found
(and probably no barons or dukes).
The Cat from Ulthar by KeLP
I asked,"Are you from Ulthar, Cat?"
No sound made she as she stared back,
But deep within those eldritch eyes
The fearful truth she could not hide.
So now no finger do I raise
As on dark nights that game she plays
With mice her personal ball and jacks,
To roll and toss, bounce and catch.
The Scryers by KeLP
If you frequent a coffee shop,
Donut house, or maybe a bar,
We know where you are.
When angry clouds blacken the sky
And blind every star,
We know where you are.
When the flora and fauna seem exotic,
You've traveled so far,
We know where you are.
At every house, every fence, every pole,
Every trail, every field, every wall,
We know where you are.
And if you find observation intrusive,
Are thinking of lawyers to call,
Remember,
We know where you are.
Unsung? by KeLP
You can't be unsung if they're singing about you,
You can't be unchecked if they're checking you in,
You can't be untoward if they're coming to get you,
You can't be undone if they're doing you in.
CORPUS QUESTION by KeLP
While in exile in Saudi A.,
Idi Amin has passed away.
The only question on his fate
Is--was it someone that he ate?
Babbitt Babel by KeLP
If you're a Vet from Vietnam,
A little murder isn't wrong,
Nor should lethal execution be your fate.
Still, old Manuel Babbitt
Has finally kicked the habit
With a final, last injection from the State.
Higher Learning by KeLP
Mumia Abu Jamal
(his execution trying to stall)
will make a commencement address
to Washington's best
and promptly make asses of all.
Next watch Berkeley or maybe Princeton,
whose better students barely can sum,
get advice for success
from the green room's best:
Professor Charlie Manson.
Homilycide by KeLP
Karla Faye was put to sleep
All sanitary, nice and neat,
On a comfy cot where they gave her her injection.
Her soul has gone to meet the Lord
Where she should get her just reward
After God and her victims finish their inspection.
The messy, horrid way she killed
To satisfy orgasmic thrills
Is not outweighed by jailhouse spawned repentance,
Nor can long vigils of candlelight
And prayers of priests throughout the night
Guarantee God's judgment of acceptance.
Octuplet (with apologies to Louis MacNiece) by KeLP
written long before the Octomom.
Mrs. Carmichael had her eighth,
looked at the job with repulsion,
said to the midwife, "Take it away;
I'm through with overproduction."
The midwife said, "The news is here
and with them come fame and riches."
Said Mrs. Carmichael, "Squeeze out some more;
I aim to be Queen of the bitches!"
Shillelagh Sonnet by KeLP
On this soggy Saint Patrick's day,
You may march if you're not gay.
Orange will be tolerated, green's much better,
March if you don't too much love your fellow.
Have some corned beef and irish stew
And many a beer of greenish hue,
And if pink elephants or wee leprechauns
Or other high spirits should come along
With peculiar tales or queer nation notions
About that fair land across the dark ocean,
Take up your cudgel and give it a shake
To remind them of Saint Paddy and snakes,
And what becomes of those that intrude
On the Emerald Isle and all that is good.
Took Took Tookie (goodbye) by KeLP
Well Took Took Tookie goodbye,
Took Took Tookie don't cry,
That choo choo train that takes you
Away from us no one can tell just where it takes you.
Needle Tookie and then, do it over again.
Books didn't sell, nor pardon go well,
If you don't get a halo then you'll know you're in Hell.
Took Took Tookie don't cry,
Took Took Tookie goodbye.
UN Leader by KeLP
Boutras Boutras-Ghali, golly,
Is yours this Serajevo folly?
Yours to decide to bomb or not,
Whether NATO fires a shot?
Did the leader of our realm
Abdicate to you the helm?
You, a man of ceaseless jabber
Who equates action with palaver,
Who feels if diplomats keep talkin'
Peace will mutate in the Balkans?
You use force? No, I'm sorry,
But golly, Boutras Boutras-Ghali!
Godless by KeLP
I mentioned Ms. O'Hair to a co-worker, who put the first 2 lines on the blackboard and said, "Finish it." So I did.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair,
Who says that God isn't there,
In debate with the Pope
Said she never lost hope
For she knew he hadn't a prayer.
A Proverb of the Church of the Holy Hazmat by KeLP
Here in Pac Bell Heaven
Where SBC is god,
They send out their high preachers
To give the Holy Word.
Their all-wise idol mutely sits,
Blind to works, deaf to prayer,
Responding not to acolytes;
The preachers little care.
They say "All little feet
Must be bolted to the floor;
We can't have god's creation
Wandering lost and more.
Don't change one jot or tittle
In the instructions that you get:
Don't mention wine or water
When our scripture says but 'wet'.
And every jar and bottle,
Every drawer, yea, every box,
Must be given an identity
As a shepherd names his flock.
For any light that brightly shines
On days that share the faith,
Find its source and bind it tight
confined inside its gate."
Sally Ford by KeLP
The old Ford digger caught the wiring on fire and Walt and I went out to repair it. It ended up needing some fuses and wires redone. The driver had nicknamed the truck Sally. I wrote the first 5 lines, somebody else appended the next three, and I rounded the second stanza out to complete this poem.
There was a truck named Sally Ford
Who found herself restless and bored.
She vied for attention
With wires needing quenchin',
But mechanics refused Sally Ford.
Ken, don't despair,
Walter was there!
With fuse in hand,
A shocking plan,
And a vacuous stare.
Fay Thoughts by KeLP
This was in response to the outcry of America to Michael P. Fay being sentenced to 6 blows of a cane (reduced to 4) for his part in vandalism (painting cars with red spray paint, among other things) in Singapore.
There was a young man named Fay
They said was a whiz with a spray.
He went through a caning
To get higher training,
But his artisanship feinted away.
Julia to the Dean
"Trigger warning! Trigger warning!"
Now you've scared me even more.
Trigger makes me think of guns,
And guns make me think of war.
You've given me anxiety,
And maybe PTSD;
To my safe space I must flee.
Now I'll flunk my class.
The Dean to Julia
Dear Julia, dear Julia,
Please accept this apology
From Bowdown University.
We value our diversity.
Your Professor has been castigated,
The practice was eliminated,
And your record was ameliorated.
You pass with highest honors.
THE SHUSHERMAN WALTZ by KeLP
(to the tune of, and apologies to, THE TENNESSEE WALTZ)
Come on, Bernie, time to shut up,
Time to move off the stage;
The claim you can still win is false,
For Debbie and the Clintons
Rigged the dance from the jump
With the song called the Shusherman Waltz.
You remember debates and how they were hid,
How the states that you won still you lost.
Yes, they planned that all rivals
Be hushed by the strings
of the sneaky ol' Shusherman Waltz.
Pronoun-ciations by KeLP
What is my personal pronoun?
Well, that's an easy fix;
Since she and he and it offend,
Combine them for. . .
Oh, sheheit. . .
Please let me try again,
I've considered long and hard.
Since she and he and it offend,
I've decided. . .
Let's use GOD!
Yard Cat Doggerel by KeLP
With fewer mice to fill her gizzard
The cat has taken to consuming lizard.
Their carcasses are interspersed
With those of mice she murdered first.
If not careful where you tread,
You might trod on something dead.
And soon the snakes will coil and slither,
And she will drop their corpses hither.
That's bad enough for here and now,
But what if she fancies catching cow?
Damnation by KeLP
David Boomer boomed it out,
Vulgar profanities did he shout,
At least seventy-five times in a couple of minutes
He used the F-word, put his heart and soul in it.
A master, a maestro, a cock-of-the-walk,
A grand virtuoso of censorable talk!
And does he get Glory for advancing the art?
Ninety days in the hoosegow--Well, that's a start.
Beat That by KeLP
They said to Clio "Ginsberg's dead.
The voice is silent, still the head.
The people, mourning,
Read his poems anew
To quench their anguish."
And She said, "Who?"
Heroes Of The N.E.A. by KeLP
Little yellow dinosaur water squirting GUN--
GI Joe PISTOL two centimeters long--
Holocaustic items in first grader hands--
Brave Teachers confiscate--
Peace in the land.
A Backsided Consideration by KeLP
Judging by consumption,
Sunflower numbers are depletin';
Judging by shells on floors and seats,
'tis few that escape being eatin'.
The shells they are crushed in melodious "snicks"
As the radio tweeters and woofs
While others are nestled safe and secure
Under sundry and various duffs.
If royalty royalty be,
And under a mattress is placed a pea,
From dark to morn they'll not find peace
As it pokes and jabs from underneath.
This callous numbness in place best unmentioned
Of these drivers of vans and of trucks
Suggests that among them not a prince will be found
(and probably no barons or dukes).
The Cat from Ulthar by KeLP
I asked,"Are you from Ulthar, Cat?"
No sound made she as she stared back,
But deep within those eldritch eyes
The fearful truth she could not hide.
So now no finger do I raise
As on dark nights that game she plays
With mice her personal ball and jacks,
To roll and toss, bounce and catch.
The Scryers by KeLP
If you frequent a coffee shop,
Donut house, or maybe a bar,
We know where you are.
When angry clouds blacken the sky
And blind every star,
We know where you are.
When the flora and fauna seem exotic,
You've traveled so far,
We know where you are.
At every house, every fence, every pole,
Every trail, every field, every wall,
We know where you are.
And if you find observation intrusive,
Are thinking of lawyers to call,
Remember,
We know where you are.
Unsung? by KeLP
You can't be unsung if they're singing about you,
You can't be unchecked if they're checking you in,
You can't be untoward if they're coming to get you,
You can't be undone if they're doing you in.
CORPUS QUESTION by KeLP
While in exile in Saudi A.,
Idi Amin has passed away.
The only question on his fate
Is--was it someone that he ate?
Babbitt Babel by KeLP
If you're a Vet from Vietnam,
A little murder isn't wrong,
Nor should lethal execution be your fate.
Still, old Manuel Babbitt
Has finally kicked the habit
With a final, last injection from the State.
Higher Learning by KeLP
Mumia Abu Jamal
(his execution trying to stall)
will make a commencement address
to Washington's best
and promptly make asses of all.
Next watch Berkeley or maybe Princeton,
whose better students barely can sum,
get advice for success
from the green room's best:
Professor Charlie Manson.
Homilycide by KeLP
Karla Faye was put to sleep
All sanitary, nice and neat,
On a comfy cot where they gave her her injection.
Her soul has gone to meet the Lord
Where she should get her just reward
After God and her victims finish their inspection.
The messy, horrid way she killed
To satisfy orgasmic thrills
Is not outweighed by jailhouse spawned repentance,
Nor can long vigils of candlelight
And prayers of priests throughout the night
Guarantee God's judgment of acceptance.
Octuplet (with apologies to Louis MacNiece) by KeLP
written long before the Octomom.
Mrs. Carmichael had her eighth,
looked at the job with repulsion,
said to the midwife, "Take it away;
I'm through with overproduction."
The midwife said, "The news is here
and with them come fame and riches."
Said Mrs. Carmichael, "Squeeze out some more;
I aim to be Queen of the bitches!"
Shillelagh Sonnet by KeLP
On this soggy Saint Patrick's day,
You may march if you're not gay.
Orange will be tolerated, green's much better,
March if you don't too much love your fellow.
Have some corned beef and irish stew
And many a beer of greenish hue,
And if pink elephants or wee leprechauns
Or other high spirits should come along
With peculiar tales or queer nation notions
About that fair land across the dark ocean,
Take up your cudgel and give it a shake
To remind them of Saint Paddy and snakes,
And what becomes of those that intrude
On the Emerald Isle and all that is good.
Took Took Tookie (goodbye) by KeLP
Well Took Took Tookie goodbye,
Took Took Tookie don't cry,
That choo choo train that takes you
Away from us no one can tell just where it takes you.
Needle Tookie and then, do it over again.
Books didn't sell, nor pardon go well,
If you don't get a halo then you'll know you're in Hell.
Took Took Tookie don't cry,
Took Took Tookie goodbye.
UN Leader by KeLP
Boutras Boutras-Ghali, golly,
Is yours this Serajevo folly?
Yours to decide to bomb or not,
Whether NATO fires a shot?
Did the leader of our realm
Abdicate to you the helm?
You, a man of ceaseless jabber
Who equates action with palaver,
Who feels if diplomats keep talkin'
Peace will mutate in the Balkans?
You use force? No, I'm sorry,
But golly, Boutras Boutras-Ghali!
Godless by KeLP
I mentioned Ms. O'Hair to a co-worker, who put the first 2 lines on the blackboard and said, "Finish it." So I did.
Madalyn Murray O'Hair,
Who says that God isn't there,
In debate with the Pope
Said she never lost hope
For she knew he hadn't a prayer.
A Proverb of the Church of the Holy Hazmat by KeLP
Here in Pac Bell Heaven
Where SBC is god,
They send out their high preachers
To give the Holy Word.
Their all-wise idol mutely sits,
Blind to works, deaf to prayer,
Responding not to acolytes;
The preachers little care.
They say "All little feet
Must be bolted to the floor;
We can't have god's creation
Wandering lost and more.
Don't change one jot or tittle
In the instructions that you get:
Don't mention wine or water
When our scripture says but 'wet'.
And every jar and bottle,
Every drawer, yea, every box,
Must be given an identity
As a shepherd names his flock.
For any light that brightly shines
On days that share the faith,
Find its source and bind it tight
confined inside its gate."
Sally Ford by KeLP
The old Ford digger caught the wiring on fire and Walt and I went out to repair it. It ended up needing some fuses and wires redone. The driver had nicknamed the truck Sally. I wrote the first 5 lines, somebody else appended the next three, and I rounded the second stanza out to complete this poem.
There was a truck named Sally Ford
Who found herself restless and bored.
She vied for attention
With wires needing quenchin',
But mechanics refused Sally Ford.
Ken, don't despair,
Walter was there!
With fuse in hand,
A shocking plan,
And a vacuous stare.
Fay Thoughts by KeLP
This was in response to the outcry of America to Michael P. Fay being sentenced to 6 blows of a cane (reduced to 4) for his part in vandalism (painting cars with red spray paint, among other things) in Singapore.
There was a young man named Fay
They said was a whiz with a spray.
He went through a caning
To get higher training,
But his artisanship feinted away.